The Chris Ives Experience

Re: Dating 101: The Five Biggest First-Date Turnoffs

Seriously Yahoo!??  The Five Biggest First-Date Turnoffs?  Biggest?  Here's Yahoo!'s list of the five BIGGEST first-date turnoffs:

1. The Coffee Invite

2. The Group Invite

3. The Inappropriate Attire

4. The Excuse Caused by Your Insecurity

5. The Outpouring About Your Ex

Those are the five BIGGEST first-date turnoffs?  Was this written by a thirteen year old?  Should there have been a Hannah Montana reference "The bummed about Hannah Montana's tour not stopping in your city excuse".

The Chris Ives Experience has a list of first-date turnoffs.  These are things I've actually heard / noticed on a first date that told me there might not be a second date:

1. Smell my hair.  I used strawberry scented hairspray and now my hair smells like strawberries!

2. No thanks.  I don't drink.

3. Do you play Warcraft?  I play an awesome gnome druid named "Gandria".

4. I fucked my first cousin once.  We were both fifteen. (it was five minutes into the date, we were both very sober).

5. Cell phone rings-  This is my husband.  I have to take this call.

6. Patent White Leather Shoes.  She wore them.  She seemed okay, otherwise, but I couldn't get over the shoes. 

7. What's a Han Solo? Oh, I've never seen Star Wars... (just kidding Amy!)

8. I only date black guys.

9. I don't have a roommate, but do have three cats.

10. This is my rat, Templeton.  I take him everywhere.  He'll just hang out in my purse.  You won't even notice him.

So maybe "The Coffee Invite" isn't that bad...  And because Hot Wife reads this, I'm not going to tell you about plastic-sheets girl who either didn't like to sleep in cotton or was a bed-wetter.  First date turnoff for sure!

 

Who tags the door closer thing? Seriously...

Some co-workers and I went to Chinese for lunch...  I went to the men's room to wash my hands and saw this...  What fucking tagger dork tags the door closer thing?  Seriously...  There's plenty of wall available...  A door too... But this guy tags the metal door closer thing.

I know I should feel sorry for the people who own the restaurant, but almost feel for the guy that tagged it.

Did he tell his friends in the restaurant after he did it?

I just tagged the metal door closer thing!  The metal door closer thing is our turf!  I'm so bad-ass!

Are email addresses like personalized license plates?

The Chris Ives Experience has a pretty plain email address...  chrisives@gmail.com and chrisives242@yahoo.com (chrisives@yahoo.com was taken and I was listening to Front 242 on the way to school the day I created the email address).

  These email addresses are plain.  They have my name in them.  They don't communicate my fondness for chicken burritos, my talent playing jazz flute, or my precision and accuracy with chinese throwing stars...  I don't feel the need to advertise that about myself.

Now check out the e.g. that Yahoo! uses under the login box.

free2rhyme@yahoo.com?  Seriously?

Does it not garner the same reaction as the 1REDKIA personalized license plate on the red Kia Optima?  Or, does BVR PLZR on the piece of shit Ford Truck (how did they approve that one) have an email address like bonerman@yahoo.com?  On the subject, this one is kind of funny.

Michael Jackson ASSASSINATED! Hall and Oates, Huey Lewis (sans News), and the guy from A-Ha behind the hit!

The Chris Ives Experience was looking for pictures of Michael Jackson's autopsy (I want to see his nose!) and stumbled upon the truth behind Michael Jackson's death...

Gawker: 'Those Racist Assholes Killed Him': Michael Jackson's Death Considered in Harlem

Cliff-notes version taken from the Gawker post:

"We wouldn't be surprised if those racist assholes killed him!"

 "Those racist assholes," are sketchy actors, but they boil down to white business leaders (and don't forget the government) who began conspiring against Michael Jackson in the early 1980s when he surpassed white pop stars with Thriller. To Murray, and others gathered at the Apollo on Friday, Jackson's lethal heart attack was the final punishment inflicted by White America for his hubris. In this telling, the last shot of Demerol, the fact that Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, went missing are the icing on a conspiratorial cake. The wisdom on the 125th street goes like this: Jackson, hounded from dizzying heights into exile, was finally killed when, with his mountains of debt, he was worth more dead to the media-entertainment complex than alive.

Murray has his own little twist on why Jackson was finally killed: he wouldn't tour the U.S. "The CIA did it," Murray explains. "The U.S. was mad at Michael for taking money overseas. They wanted that money." Even a man hawking T-shirts newly festooned with MJ's mug, feels a frame-up in the air. Afraid to tell me how much merchandise he has sold today (it's a lot) he accuses me of wanting to report him to the Feds. "You trying to get the IRS on me?"

Hall and Oates...  Huey Lewis...  The guy from A-Ha...  Where are they now? 

Hall and Oates run a feed and grain store in Indiana.  Huey Lewis waits tables at a restaurant in San Francisco.  The guy from A-Ha works at a Jamba Juice in Carlsbad...  Each blame Michael Jackson for their fall from the charts.  Were they behind the Jackson Assassination?  Oh, hell yes.

Damn it!  When is the black man going to get a fair shake in this country!!

Did something happen to Michael Jackson?

I thought I saw something about him on the news...

But seriously-  I think that people were waiting for him to die so they could tell these jokes:

They are now saying Michael Jackson may have died of food poisoning....they found 12 year old nuts in his mouth.

He wants his remains made into an etch-a-scetch so kids can still play with his knob

Jackson's body is to be melted into a slide so the children can go down on him one more time...

MJ's not gonna be buried. Instead he gonna be recycled into a carrier bag, so he remains white, plastic and a danger to children.

Can't wait for Comedy Central to play the Michael Jackson episode...