The Chris Ives Experience

Is that a Dwight Schrute Bobble-head costume?

This could be the funniest costume this year.  And guy wearing a Predator costume...  It's the Exotic Zone Ball, not Comic-Con part II.  Worse, the guy paid a fortune for it!

Happy Halloween!

This guy couldn't get laid in a morgue... Or could he?

Just in time for Halloween... 

Man Caught in Hospital Necrophilia Act

A 24-year-old New York City man remains jailed after he was found having sex with a 92-year-old woman's corpse inside the morgue of the hospital where he worked.

Was the 92-year-old woman's corpse his first?  Check out this kid's MySpace page.  Happy Halloween Eve!

Does she know more about bonds, or bondage?

When I worked for a company that touted itself as the Number One Place to Invest Online, we had occasional visits by Maria Bartiromo, who for a business journalist, was pretty hot.  We were all hoping that a popular men's magazine would run a feature on The Woman of CNBC.  No such luck.

Instead, Radar Magazine's website has a quiz: FOX Business Anchor or Porn Star?  Sadly, some of the women that I wanted to be porn-stars were business anchors, and worse, some of the women I hoped were business anchors were in fact, porn-stars (probably from the $2.99 movie bin). 

Take the quiz yourself here (it is sfw).

Today in Workout News That Is Definitely Not Awesome

Experts Sound Off on Workout Grunting

Don't encourage it.  There's a leather-skinned Russian guy that power-lifts at the 24 Hour Fitness on Fair Oaks and Arden that you can hear from the parking lot.  Feel the burn, but don't trump my fucking iPod.

Garrrgghhhaaaahhhhh!

We get it.  You're lifting more weight than everyone else at the gym put together.  I'm sure that every woman (and half of the men) in the gym want to date you.

Next they'll say that spandex gives you an edge while lifting weights (which would be good news for that Euro-trash asshat that works out at the 24 Hour Fitness in the Downtown plaza with the black and white hamburgler striped spandex shorts)

Do you mean he one that does karate kicks in the mirror near the area where women stretch?

That's him.

Your kid will need a shrink because of this one...

Since news broke of J.K. Rowling's announcement that Dumbledore is in-fact, a gay homosexual superwizard (vs the heterosexual superwizard we all assumed he was), books like Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite have been flying off the shelf faster than Harry Potter and Old Man in the Closet, as parents have struggled to explain the word "gay" to their young children.

It would be easier if J.K. Rowling had Dumbledore currently dating Professor Snape or suggested that there was a past relationship.  We didn't see it coming, and my son Timothy can't understand the guy-on-guy thing.  We tried using two of his sister's Ken Dolls but he still doesn't get it. - Merideth Palmer

Fearing that Hermione might be outed as a lesbian in the next book, parents have already placed orders for Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman (is the other mommy a dog, wtf!?!?).

I already know what you're going to say.  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was the last book of the series.  Hermione can't be outed as a lesbian!  But, how many times has Mick Jagger said This will for sure be our last tour!??  As long as the books are selling, there will be more.  Rowling will want to buy an island some day and come out with Harry Potter and the Little Brother He Didn't Know He Had and introduce Parry Potter who will be attending his first year in wizard school. 

Keep up with my giant fake ass...

I just saw a commercial for Keeping up with the Kardashian's.  I might have seen her name a few times but didn't know who she was.

The Chris Ives Experience: Who the hell is Kim Kardashian?

Ms. The Chris Ives Experience: Her father is Robert Kardashian, one of OJ's lawyers.

The Chris Ives Experience: And she gets her own TV show for that!?!  WTF!?!

Ms. The Chris Ives Experience: I think she has a fake ass.

The Chris Ives Experience: Fake?

Ms. The Chris Ives Experience: Butt implants.  She's famous for her ass.

Are they that hard up for celebrities?  Kim Kardashian?  Seriously?  Does Johnny Cochran's daughter have a TV show?  Sure, Kim Kardashian has a sex tape, but who doesn't.  Worse, her sex tape shows a 26 year old who in ten years will trade curvy with a giant rack for a fatty-bom-blatty in a tight dress (picture a latin Anna Nicole Smith before she took the diet pills).  See what I think is overrated here and here.

Can you hear that? It's the sound of relief...

TRUE STORY:  The Chris Ives Experience's boss had a poker party at her house on Saturday night (it was an actual poker party, it's not code for something else).  The Chris Ives Experience attended this poker party and had a fun time.

The Chris Ives Experience woke up on his boss's couch at about 5:00AM Sunday morning.  Holy shit, this isn't my house.  My clothes were still on and were clean (no signs of me puking all over myself).  There was a woman on another couch and a guy on the floor.  I went home and slept for another five hours.

But did I just fall asleep on my boss's couch, or did I puke all over my boss's friends and then break furniture.  I'm pretty sure that I just fell asleep.  Or did I puke all over her bathroom and then have my boss put me on the couch?  I'm pretty sure I just fell asleep.  Or did I puke inside her washing machine and then fall asleep on the couch.

The suspense was killing me all yesterday and this morning.  Then I saw my boss...

BOSS: Did you get in trouble with Ms. The Chris Ives Experience?

TCIE:  No, why?

BOSS:  You started falling asleep in the chair and we just let you sleep.  Everyone else started crashing after you.

TCIE:  So I just fell asleep?

BOSS:  Yeah why?  You had a good time, didn't you?

There it is again.  Did you hear it?  The sound of relief.  The Chris Ives Experience didn't black-ball himself from his boss's parties.

Because there would be more men watching women's basketball than a Cleveland Indians vs. Colorado Rockies World Series

It won't be the San Francisco Giants in the World Series anytime soon so I'm glad it's the Red Sox. 

If Charlie Sheen is clean and sober, I'm sure he could be talked into Major League part 6 (is that where they left off?) that will make light of the ass-raping that the Indians suffered at the end of what coulda shoulda woulda been their year in the World Series.

No excuses. 

Today in Awesome Business News...

Swearing at work 'boosts team spirit, morale'

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Don't hide that tattoo

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The Chris Ives Experience: Holy fucking shit Brian, is that a new tattoo?

Co-worker Brian: You're fucking-a right it is!  It hurt like a bitch!

Co-worker Karen: Hey guys...  Wow, nice fucking tattoo, Brian!

Co-worker Brian: I was just saying how it hurt like a motherfucker!

Co-worker Karen: Oh, speaking of, I got my titts pierced.  Check em out!

The Chris Ives Experience:This is the best work day ever!  Shit, cock, fuck.

Can Dr. Rey kick your ass?

If you have cable television, you can't not know who Dr. Robert Rey is. 

Dr.90210... 

The guy who is way too comfortable wearing pink...

The guy who wears the sleeveless surgical scrubs...

The guy that does push ups and swings nun-chucks before a surgery...

Right, that one.  He's pretty and wears lots of pink and has excellent highlights.  But despite his pretty, soft, gay-questionable exterior, I'm pretty sure that Dr. Rey could kick my ass.

And here's why I say that...  Set the way-back machine to 1991, to a 17 year old The Chris Ives Experience.  I was a 5'10", 180 pounds, very athletic, and had my black belt in Taekwondo for two years.  My instructor was about 5'7" and weighed in at about 130 pounds (soaking wet), but could kick my ass while drinking a cup of coffee without spilling a drop.  I got into a fight at school and homo-snitch Gabe Mestas ratted on me to our instructor.  Mr Ives, put on your sparring gear...  It was over before it started.  After completely getting my ass kicked for the better part of five minutes, I got to do push ups for the remainder of the class.  The point?  Small man, big ass kicker.  The same probably applies for Dr. Rey, who also has a black belt or two.  When I have him do my pectoral implants in February, I'm going to hold off on the Nice pink suit, homo! type comments.

This is awesome!

Volkswagen Jump

TRUE STORY:  I had a roommate in college that drove an old Porsche 914.  Many times we hit the hill on 16th Street (just after you go under the train trestle) going 90+ mph trying to get air.  We failed every time.  This guy succeeded where we failed (and in a much crappier car!).

The Comeback... Part 16

I'm five minutes outside of Malibu.  I've got a six pack of crunchy tacos, it's dark, and I'm wearing sunglasses.  Hit it.

You'd think that after hitting rock bottom months ago, things could only improve for Britney Spears, but she continues to prove me wrong.

I guess I'm part of the 100% of the world that wants her to fail.  Making my point, she was recently photographed getting out of a car, again, without the dignity, class, and/or privacy of panties.  See it here (via Sarah Silverman) and here nsfw (via IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com)

Weapon of Choice...

Say hello to my little friend.  This water pistol will become my best friend for three weeks in November.

Why?  Because City Assault is coming to Sacramento and I'm signing up.

IF you are serious about signing up for the game and interested in making a team (you can do that, safety in numbers), email me.  This thing looks like a lot of fun and throwing a water balloon into a crowd, office, whatever, to take out my target just made my list of Things That Are Awesome.

MILF Island... Genius!

MILF Island...  25 Super Hot Moms, 50 Eighth Grade Boys, No Rules...

If you're unsure about MILF Island (and/or your wife made you miss the season premiere of 30 Rock featuring Jerry Seinfeld), you can watch the whole episode here.

Are You Stronger Than a Dog...  America's Next Top Pirate...  Genius!

SPEAKING OF TV:  Seth Rogan is hosting SNL this weekend with musical guest, Spoon!

The Chris Ives Experience hates mottos

I'm a big fan of Halloween and am researching the following topics:

• Halloween costumes that are awesome
• Halloween costumes that are far from awesome

I used Google's Blog Search with Halloween Costumes for my search criteria.  One of the blogs that came up had the word musings all over the place (remember, The Chris Ives Experience hates musings), but worse, had the following in her about me thing on the nav-bar.

I have two mottos

1. Live life to the fullest
2. Don't have any regrets

These are the two stupidest mottos in the world.  While Tricia's motto is to live life to the fullest, Steve's motto is to live life only half way so that he doesn't sprain anything or miss important TV shows.  Who says that?  Even more stupid than the first, Don't have any regrets.  Did she not drink in college?  I'm writing a coffee table book about regrets stemming from college binge drinking.

The Chris Ives Experience has one motto - Mottos are stupid!

Make no mistake, The Chris Ives Experience is one mean motor-scooter, but certainly isn't Tyler Durden...

Third rule of Fight Club, someone yells Stop!, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over.

I've broken a few bones and have a high pain threshold.  I get cuts, scrapes, scratches, dings and crashes and it's no biggie.  If it were my first night at Fight Club, and I had to fight, I'd go limp before I yell stop or tap out.  Pretty tough and manly right?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT BEFORE I JAMMED A TOOTHBRUSH INTO MY GUMS WITH A MOTHER-EFFING TOOTHBRUSH!  Holy crap it hurts.  I actually did it a week ago and it still hurts.  Worse, I can't complain about it (except to the anonymity of the internet) because it would be super gay to complain about an injury resulting from overzealous dental hygiene.  So forget about it in Fight Club where Ed Norton pulls the loose tooth.  I'm not that tough (not that I'm revealing the softer side of The Chris Ives Experience, just that if you stab the inside of my mouth with a toothbrush, it will hurt, maybe bleed).

What do Keira Knightly, Panda Bears, Oprah's Heart, and The Swiffer all have in common?

They all made Radar Magazine's The Hype Report - The Expanded List:  The world's most overrated people places, and things...

Ha ha Radar Magazine. Grey's Anatomy #26 on the list!  Good one, but Mrs. The Chris Ives Experience will still DVR it. 

And Jake Gyllenhall?  I thought the same thing as I watched The Day After Tomorrow for the fourteenth time this weekend on TNT.

And Andy Samberg?  He's this year's Chris Kattan.  Who?  Exactly!